Almesiva Moonshadow
The Beginning of All Endings (And Other Cliched Titles) = ~"...and thus God sayeth unto Tazmo the Accuser "When thou least expect it, my sweet child, unto thyne wast, heavenly realm of virtual, no-life pricks a black seed of discord shall be planted. It will spread like a weed. Like a parasite. Like poisoned herb. But it's singular, perfumed flower shall be eternally radiant in glory and from the wretched, diseased root of all-consuming chaos, light shall spring. We shall call that light Almesivus Selenium, because we're pretentious little pricks who like to use Quasi-Latin phrases with the aid of Google Translate. Amen..."~ = = (Genesis, The Book of Revelation, 14:67, the Gospel of the Baptist St. Apedemakian of Antioch) = ____________________________________________ Legend has it that when Almesiva Mooonshadow accidentally, to her great misfortune stumbled upon the diarrhea-filled, gangrene-infested cesspool known as "Naruto Forums" it was by far even shittier then it has been prior to her unnoticed, semi-incognito arrival. There was no active, buzzing convo in the House of Pissumaki section, there were no butthurt factions rioting against each other, there was no romantic drama resulting in people attempting to slit their whiny throats with internet cords, there was no over-usage of caps-lock and needless, annoying black fonts, there was no screen-ejaculating over marginal, petty squabbles, there was by far less users suffering from bipolar disorders, severe autism (also known as the Verttius Sinisalus Syndrome, as named by Doctor Sigmund Freud), loss of identity in a manner which Gollum, Kaneki Ken and Theon Greyjoy themselves would call total overkill of good taste, quadrupedal personalities due to MKultra brainwashing, the lack of received bedtime stories an infant and too many cans of Budweiser (Ernius Faggoticus Disorder) Pathological Lying, Rampant Dupery and a serious physchiatrical condition stemming from a strong dosage of low self-esteem resulting from childhood traumas and the lack of parental attention known only as Compulsive Megalomania, Bragging or simply as the "Do you know how much I spent on this item nobody really cares about!? Please notice me! Please have a reaction! Please be jealous of me!" ''Suffice to say, that before her foretold, catastrophic coming, the tortured, trapped denizens of this god-forsaken, accursed forum were much healthier in mind, in spirit and in body alike. Or were they? Were they truly? Were they perhaps always like this and this long, pompous metaphor serves no purpose? Some secrets are never meant to be uncovered. Most because the author of this fine print is off to blast a joint in the other room. ''(Behold, I am lying as well! One does not walk through mud, without becoming mud himself. Or so I've read on a seedy quote site somewhere, a long time ago...) Changes Small and Changes Grand = ~“If I had my life to live over again, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once every week. And by no means would I have ever made an account on Naruto Forums. That would be like evolution. Only backwards. From man to monkey. From monkey to a newborn mammal crawling on the beach. From a newborn mammal crawling on the beach to a one cellular, underdeveloped organism on the bottom of the primal ocean. From a one cellular, underdeveloped organism on the bottom of the primal ocean to a rabid, obsessed Animanga Forumer.~ = = (Charles Darwin, The Autobiography of Charles Darwin, 1809–82) = _____________________________________________________ The theory of evolution isn't quite as simple as the fathers of modern science would make you believe. We're told that humankind has developed over the countless, unrecorded millennia in a straight, horizontal line of growth, building, learning, teaching, rising and falling, but there are always exceptions to every theory, including this one. Proof of that is something we call the "H.O.U. Anomaly", first mentioned in a medieval, manuscripted medicine encyclopedia uncovered in the ruins of the German Wittenberg university in 1936 by the esteemed, celebrated archaeologists, professors and grave-robbers known only under the pseudonyms of Indiana Jones and Lara Croft. This particular, well-preserved piece of 15th century scripture called the Maellus Malleficarum claimed that man's recorded evolution doesn't run in a straight, simple line coursing from point A. to point B. over the ages, but instead, in a distinctive, complex pattern with numerous unexplained, mysterious occurrences, abnormalities and deformities best found today in the special case of the batch of experimental test-subjects known as the "H.O.U. Convo-ers", H.O.U. being an acronym for "Helpless, Ostracized and Umpa-Lumpas". This controversial theory completely denotes and undermines Charles' Darwin's essays on evolution, instead, leaving us with the Pre-Almesivian and Post-Almesivian ideal of the modern, 21st century Homo Erectus never fully disappearing as such to pave way for his more-developed, superior predecessors, instead, walking among us even to this very day, blending in with the mixed, rioting life-blood of a fast, every-day society, passing completely unnoticed, unhinged and undiminished as he types on his dusty, little keyboard in an obscure chatroom somewhere in Turku, trying to convince innocent, clueless bypassers on why reading Fairy Tail, Jojo's Bizzare Adventure and Starcrusader Darkness Painful Angstia is the best thing to do. These kind of marked, dwarfed specimen are everywhere, and at first sight, they might appear normal, average, common and even pleasant, like all sociopaths usually do, but they are everything but. Doctor-Professor M.D. Almesiva B. B. Moonshadow will now, from her personal experiences accumulated from doing practical work in a mental asylum in Kamchatka - Far Eastern Syberia and in Vertti's flat in downtown Helsinki, explain the basic, most-obvious symptoms of this two-legged, standing chimpanzee, showing of us how small changes can often become grand if one can read them and recognize them properly; The First and Most Important Signs of Severe ADD and AHDH = ~"Ilness is very much like negging. In medical terms, anyhow, yes. Even Carl Gustav Jung agrees on that. Common Knowledge. You know it's in your reputation section. You know it denotes your status. You know it's useless. You know it's prissy. You know it's childish. You know it can keep growing if encouraged. You know nobody can see it but yourself. You know it's red. You know it's throbbing. You know it's infectious. You know it's often followed by an angry, slanderous remark from the sender. And you know it wont pass all until you're given enough greens to get the loathsome, eye-bugging crimson dot out of your system. That's what we have lobotomy for. You scalp the top of your head, you remove the overgrown, cancerous mass from the side of your brain, you log off, you pry open a bottle of brandy and you light up a cuban cigar while listening to the discography of Frank Sinatra. And it all passes."~ = = (A passage from "The Faustian Medical Brochure" by doctor M.D. Boutcherous Hepatits B. "How to Muder Patients in Ten Easy Steps") = _____________________________________________________ ''-"There are a lot of ill people here!"- ''The famous Puritan missionary Almesivius Cuntius historically declared when she first stepped from the damaged, broken shipwreck of the sunken royal cruise Brittanica unto the shores of The New Word -''"There are a lot ill people here, Colonel Apenotti, and we hardly have enough firewood for all of them!"-'' Those were the celebrated, albeit somewhat controversial words that marked the beginning of a fresh, brilliant era of butchery, rape, pillage, mass-genocide, peace, friendship and mutual-admiration as later forced by the U.N. and the UNESCO, and the same can be implemented in the documented, closed case of the "H.O.U anomaly" where the test subjects are quite often so rabid, so feral, so wild, so mentally retarded, so convulsed, so confused, so deranged, that they might as well be barbarians dancing around in loincloths, chanting around a fire in the middle of a jungle, begging the Gods to give them a good chapter (and a new season of Vampire Diaries).